Letting go. A pair of words with so much emotion, ones of sadness, ones of happiness for the one that the pair of words effect. Letting go is sometimes one of the hardest things to do us as humans, sometimes don’t want to do, and ultimately in some cases have to do, whether it be in the best interest for yourself or the other person. Today, it’s time for me to do just that let someone go, from my mind and life, I really never thought going into things, I’d ever have to do.

Last month I wrote about my mental instability perhaps costing me potentially one of the most special relationships I could have with a person. After a year of talking on and off with this person we finally came together, and in the short time we talked together, with you it felt truly right. Maybe it’s because I’m older, and a bit more mature than I was in my early 20s and that is probably true. With you I felt truly myself. You said you didn’t see my disability, that you saw me for who I am, a person, and when you said that, even though others have said it to me, I knew, somehow I knew you truly meant that. That has truly resonated with me to this day. My mental state got the best of me and cost me a relationship, a relationship that had the potential to be truly special, and one I’d had have been truly proud of. I still replay that night in my head and still really wonder what caused you to block me on everything, I’ve gone through our messages everywhere and cant find a really good reason of if I said something hurtful to you or not. Know this if I did, I wish you would have told me and we could have worked it out rather than you block me and throw what we were building away. I know you were going through a hard time and I never meant to hurt you in any way. I sincerely mean that. After not talking to you for over a month, having time to really sit back and think, I never meant to cause you any pain during that time. I just like I said would have liked to talk about what bugged you rather than block me.

Am I angry? No. Am I hurt? To be really honest, it shook me to the core and this broke me in so many ways, it has made me take a good look at myself and I have taken the necessary steps to begin to make myself better> I can say I’ve taken my medication everyday since you left. I made a promise to myself to never let this type of thing happen again. By taking my medicine everyday I have begun the process of making myself better and most importantly taking care of myself. Like I said earlier, losing you shook me to the core, it was a blow to my ego, and my heart. We both said we came back together for a reason finally, never in my wildest dreams did I think it’d be for such a short time, but If that was truly all the time we had, I don’t regret it, you put a smile on my face, you filled my heart with all a man could want, and for that I thank you.

I wish you’d have returned my calls or texts, to try and work this out, but it looks like I might not get a chance to know why you blocked me or what made you mad at me. I’ve told many people this. You’re the one that got away, the one that was someone special, that I knew, that I knew I’d always want. Somewhere in my heart I’m always going to feel that way. I have no ill will towards you, you had to do whats best for you, and if letting go of me is what needed to happen then I hope you can truly find happiness someday, You truly deserve it. Your smile lights up a room. One thing I’ll always wish is that we could have watched all the Star Wars movies together as they are your favorites and I’ve not seem them. That would have been awesome. At the end of the day, no hard feelings, no anger towards you, just a hope you find happiness, and if you do, knowing that you’re happy will make me just as happy if not more so. I hope you have gotten passed your rough time and are starting to find some peace with your big life changes.

Hopefully someday, may our paths cross again, but for now I must let you go.

~Ryan