For all my life I have had Cerebral Palsy, since I was born. People always ask me how is it like to have it, and how does it make me feel? Well I’m here to tell exactly how it feels with my type of Cerebral Palsy or CP for short. I say type of CP, well because there is a wide array of different types of CP that one can be diagnosed with. In my case, long medical term coming at you here: Periventricular Leukomalacia, It’s a mouthful I know. To keep it short my CP only effects half of my body, in my case the right side of my body, the left side is completely “normal” When I was born my parents were told I wasn’t going to amount to a whole lot of anything. I was born two months early and did not get enough oxygen to my brain and have three what seem to look like dots on my brain in the shape of a triangle that are 1/1000000th of a pen cap that make my body the way it is.

To continue what my parents were told about my diagnosis, was that again, I would not do or amount to a lot in life as most people with CP are “vegetables and don’t do a lot for themselves”. I’d never feed myself, bathe myself, feed myself or lead any sense of a normal life whatsoever. Growing up I knew I was different, how different being small 5-10 years of age, I did not have full comprehension of how different I was to people.

Now you might be asking yourself, why is this post titled “Living in Limbo”? Well to put it simply I do and this is why: I completely turned my CP diagnosis on its head. How is that you may ask? Well I attended general education in all levels of schooling up to and including college and attaining my bachelors degree in computer science from Purdue University last year, Throughout my life I have always used a walker to help myself in walking for long distances, so in elementary, middle, and high school I always stuck out like a sore thumb in the general education population to most. For people with CP, most of the time they are cognitively deficient in the ways of being able to process and communicate in a normal fashion. For me I was lucky enough to have all my mental faculties and though processes intact, and hey be able to walk on my own, looking very odd while doing so, but hey I can.

In school and in life however people are ignorant and sometimes assume things based on known experience or from others they know. For me being able to do everything anyone can pretty much do people, before getting to know me just looking at me and seeing the walker if I had it with me, 99/100 times thought I was mentally retarded or slow or something in the realm of that. With my CP my motor skills aren’t the greatest, handwriting is awful because of it, although even if I didnt have it I think I’d have terrible handwriting. I have trouble opening things like bags of food, boxes, etc because my hands don’t work the most elegant way possible. I always find an alternative way of doing something if I can’t somehow figure out how to do it the right way.

This might be my personality coupled with my disability, but growing up I had very few friends until my six years in college. I was always percieved as the slow kid in school even though I’m pretty damn sure I’m smarter than at least half of all the classmates I’ve ever had, but I digress. I am now and always have been kind of an anti-social person, most of the time growing up people or kids would not talk to me because, this is a cliché but because I looked vastly different from them so they wanted nothing to do with me. Now am I the only one like me with CP? Hell no. I know people who are exactly like me I can fit in with diagnosis and all. I also have a group of friends from college who are “normal by societal standards” and don’t give a shit that I’m different.

One thing is prevalent in human nature people are afraid of something they don’t know, that can apply with anything if you really think about it. People try to stay in their comfort zone and try not to venture out too far. I applaud those who overcome the fear of the unknown and aren’t afraid to ask people questions. People ask me all the time after they get to know me: “I was afraid I’d upset you by asking about your disability and I didn’t want to do that.” there are people who are disabled who want you to feel bad for them or to pity them or they get offended if people ask them questions. That is a stigma that follows disabled people as a whole and it shouldn’t. I’m the exact opposite of the stigma. If you have a question regardless of what it is I would rather you ask it than assume. Be curious, I never mind talking about my disability and how it effects me. If you ask, you’ll be more open to asking others with disabilities or whatever else piques your mind and not be afraid to open a dialogue with that person. ASK QUESTIONS, be polite at first and who knows you might make a good friend or who knows potentially something more.

Dating and romantic relationships for me are always hard to start. I’m disabled and when women find that out most of the time and then assume they’d have to be my nurse or something ignorant like that. It stems back from above: ASK QUESTIONS don’t be ignorant. I have my own home, job, make good money, and take care of myself. That’s always an issue for a lot of women, not saying all because that’d be a bad generalization that myself as a general term have been a part of. Do I get depressed about it? Sure. Do I wonder sometimes how my life would be as a “normal” person? You bet. Only thing I cant do for myself is drive a car cause my feet totally suck even though I can walk. I Uber everywhere to compensate for stiff I do and places I go. I and people lucky enough to really not be hampered by our disabilities aren’t bums there is just some stuff in my case driving I literally, have no control over. You live with what you have and you try to make the most of what you have.

Now you might be wondering, why did I title this “Living in Limbo”? Simple in my head and it seems in society I’m fully functional in society but disabled so not seen as so but I’m functional enough to be seen as truly disabled, so by that thought I’m stuck in limbo. I don’t truly fit in and for the longest time I was so worried of where I’d fit in. If this is how it is than I’m content with that, I’ve bucked society now been that person, always stood out. Why stop now? I live my life like anyone should and can, am I actually in limb from the above? Might be, might not. If I am, cool, if not so be it. I’m still here living the best life I can with the hand I’ve been dealt determined to write my own story. I won’t be broken, so neither should you.

Until next time,

See ya,

-Ryan